satellites strung from the moon

i think i am just going to end it. theres really no point in continuing it. what am i getting out of this? nothing thats what. i am constantly confused and i never know whats going to happen next. its ridiculous and i don't want that at all.

thank god i had work tonight. work always helps me feel better. the people there are not only normal but drama free. its REALLLLLY nice. today wasn't so great but no big deal cause its all dealt with and theres no point in dwelling on it anymore. i'm so glad its the weekend tomorrow. it will be so nice to have a break. although i am going to miss every body and it really does suck to be left behind but work is important and there whistler will still be there the next time. my track is falling out again. the same one. i realllly hope it doesnt fall out this weekend while my mum is away, that wont be so great because that means i have to find someone to sew it in or i have to do it myself. which i wont lie, i am a little scared to do. meh, well see how it all turns out. i am soooo excited for friday night you actually have no idea. i hope nothing ruins it!

went to millan's house last night for a party. it was fun but it was weird cause half the people who are normally there weren't. doesn't matter though, i had a good time. unfortunately i didnt go home until 4:30 in the morning and i had to do a split shift starting at 12. which sucks cause that means i got hardly any sleep. ughhh. so now i am so exhausted yet i still want to go out tonight. but apparently nothing is really going on cause lots of people are either working or are away. oh well, its probably better if i stay in tonight and catch up on some sleep since im supposed to go out with my aunt tomorrow for lunch and then i have to work once again. gahh i cant wait until next weekend, its going to be sooo much better.

got my hair extensions in and then the part of the half track fell out today:( but its all good cause since fallyne taught me how to repair it my mum just stiched it back in. this weekend was good. only friday night, sunday morning and this evening are what i would call fantastic. kendalls party was lots of fun and sunday was my bday so that was good and my grandparents got in from scotland today. i pretty much love my new camera. its wonderful.
currently i am so confused. everything that is going on is so messed up. gahh.

bought my hair today. i cannot wait to get the extensions put in. sucks that i have to wait until wednesday though:(
gahh i've been so stressed out lately. i have to pay for my extensions, deal with all this grad stuff and start saving all of my money for europe. i am going to be sooooo broke it's not even funny. and phil is stressing me out even more because he hasn't gotten his tux yet and we fight all the time. although lately we have been fine, the only thing that sucks is we are hardly talking. we kinda avoid each other which i'm worried will make things awkward when it comes to grad, i mean, we're both still set on going to grad together. i thought i was the only one but hes assured me he is too. my dress finally came but i still have to fax the limo company, deal with the seating arrangements, get my hair put in, get my hair dyed, get my nails and what not done and gahhh theres just so much to do. so much effort for one night. its kinda odd. and i still have nothing to wear to after grad. and lately i've been cutting back on shifts at mr mikes which means shitty paychecks for me. oh well, i guess in the end its all worth it. at least SOME of the drama has calmed down. going away to california certainly helped. although i'm sure i'm bound to find more things out one day. ohh well, right now where i am in my life, that kinda crap wouldn't bother me. i have better things to look forward too.

   In the past few months i've noticed people changing and doing things completely out of character. It seems so bizarre that so many people in our grad class are trying to cram four years worth of immature high school antics into the last thee months. Its completely and utterly fucking ridiculous. When you're applying for a job after high school, no one gives a shit who you dated or fucked when you were eighteen, no one gives a shit how much you can drink in one night and no one gives a shit about any of the other little immature things that went on. Its stupid and im sick of it. maybe i've moved on faster, i dont know but i cannot WAIT to get out of high school. im seeing the truth in people. people i thought i could trust, completely going behind my back with my ex boyfriend, classy guys, realllll fucking classy. people i thought i could rely on have decided to try and walk out of my life forever, and it bites. whatever is going on in peoples minds is messed. im not trying to sound like a brat here but is no one considering my feelings when they hook up with my very recently ex boyfriend?

well i am done. i've had it. i cannot even stand for this anymore. she is my friend and the two of them are telling me completely different stories. i will never know the real story because i was quite obv not there and i am very glad i'm not. i'm just so sickened at myself. why do i still love him so much? i would still take him back if he asked me too. i hate myself for it because i've never been like this before. its so hard, i care for someone who doesn't give a shit about me; they pretend they do, but lets be honest here, they quite obv dont. if they did i would not be here. i'm still waiting for him to make the time, to go back to who he used to be, to his real self. not this fake person he has become. he is such an awful person now and i don't even think people realize it. some do, but not all and certainly not enough. i dont want him to be hurt, i really dont, but i just want him to get a wake up call to realize he cannot treat me or anyone else this way. its ridiculous how juvinile he is and its ridiculous that i still love him. i honestly think i still do because i think that one day hes going to wake up and go back to his old ways, who he really is. i wish i didnt think that, but i do. this is so hard. i've never felt this way in my life. i hate loving someone who doesn't even care for me. its just not fair.

5 days till cali.

im so friggin confused.
hes going to victoria this weekend, to stay with his friend.
im a little uncomfortable. i shouldnt be, but i am. but i can't say anything
at least not to him anyway. i mean what right do i have to do that? we're not together.
nothing matters.

i'm trying so hard i really am. its just so hard. i miss him and yet the last thing i want is to be with him. i don't even know how i feel anymore. this is so confusing. gahh.



six days till california:):)

so my dress is here.
i put it on today.
its better than the one in the store.
its newer. not last years.
i love it.
i had a mini heart attack.
eeeeek.

1. How does the world see me?
satisfaction

2. Will I have a happy life?
tokyo drift

3. What do my friends really think of me?
we belong together

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
the difficult kind

5. How can you be happy?
feel good inc

6. What should I do with my life?
stupid

7. Why must life be so full of pain?
gravedigger

8. Will I ever have children?
we're going to be friends

9. Will I die happy?
i don't need a mn

10. What is some good advice for me?
relax, take it easy

11. What is happiness?
wait a minute

12. What's my favorite fetish?
sky fell over me

13. How will I be remembered?
just looking

(part two)

1. What is your love life like?
bounce like this

2. What is sex with you like?
remember the name

3. What's your life motto?
buttons

4. What do your parents think of you?
all of your love

5. What does your best friend really think of you?
i wanna be your everything

6.What's your favorite hobby?
gasolina

7. What's the worst thing about you?
landslide

8. Describe your mind.
smile like you mean it

9. How will you die?
dakota

10. How does your crush/S.O. feel about you?
walking in memphis

11. What is your wedding going to be like?
you'll think of me

12. What about your honeymoon?
rocky mountain high

13. Describe the last day of your life
roses

14. Why does life suck?
shake

15. Why does life rule?
crush

16. What will you be famous for?
grace kelly